Burning Bridges
by impavid fool
Summary: 'I don't want to lose you again.' [Sequel to Behind Closed Doors; ONESHOT. Alex/Piper]


**.**

**.**

**.**

'What are you doing?'

'Listening.'

'To what?'

Piper smiled softly. 'Your heart.'

'And?'

'It's still beating.'

'Surprised?'

'Well.' Piper rolled off Alex and propped herself on one elbow. Alex turned on her side, and they both grinned together. They were snug, warm beneath the sheets, feeling mischievous. Piper had started to think this feeling was something which naturally came with Alex.

Every time they were with each other, Piper was excited; ridiculously happy. In constant _awe_ at what –– _who_ –– she had found. It was bizarre to think a few years ago, Alex had been her patient when she was an intern. Back when Alex used to refer to Piper as "kid", the charming yet snarky tuberculosis patient. Arrogant and stubborn.

Piper's expression softened. 'After that little stunt you pulled, I'm allowed to worry.'

'Oh, that?' Neither had discussed Alex's heart failure. 'I was having you on. It was just a funny prank. Admittedly I took it too far.'

The corner of Piper's mouth twitched. Making light of the situation didn't help. 'Sometimes it's all I think about.' This shocked Alex. Her eyebrows raised a little, and her smile vanished. Maybe this was a burden of being a doctor. This constant fear of the worst. Piper had seen disaster, and she had seen something small transform into something huge. She had observed death. And Alex was only seconds away from being another one, another lost patient.

Seconds.

Mere _seconds_.

Even though Alex amazed her, made her feel beautiful, wonderful –– it wasn't _perfect_. Yes, she worried, but she worried _all the time_. Over the slightest thing. She refused to let Alex drive, refused to let her cook anything, refused to let her walk for too long, refused to have sex for weeks. Fortunately, Alex was patient. Mostly. Piper knew what was best for her, but sometimes she did go overboard. Piper needed to _trust_ Alex; trust she wouldn't allow her heart to fail again.

(It _wouldn't_ happen again. Piper _had_ to believe that.)

'––I won't go anywhere without you.'

Piper watched her for a moment, then whispered, 'There's something about you which makes it so weird when you come out with cheesy stuff like that.' Alex chuckled, and playfully nudged her shoulder. 'Who knew you were such a pathetic romantic?'

A small noise of protest passed Alex's lips, and her hand smoothed down Piper's arm, over her waist. Piper kissed her once. Felt Alex smile. Almost instinctively, Piper searched for her heartbeat again –– the quick, speedy _thump_. Two soft, yet heavy beats less than a second apart. She knew extremely well how many beats per minute were positive, how many were bad. She knew what pace Alex's heart should be at during certain times, but right now Alex's heart was _racing_.

So fast. Piper pulled away momentarily, lips gentle, ghostly against Alex's. Eyes half closed, she was barely conscious of Alex's hand finding hers, intertwining their fingers, squeezing briefly. Piper sighed shakily, slumped in Alex's embrace, and could no longer fight the insistent memories breaking through her skull. Alex's chart might as well be right before her, in her possession. She remembered the amount of dosages written for each medication for her TB, the diagnosis each week, her progress report which Piper spent far too long on. More so than any other patient she had.

And, of course, she remembered the pacemaker. Alex's surrender at the very idea her own heart was failing her. She just _gave up_. If it weren't for Piper's stubbornness, her _selfish_ desire to keep Alex breathing, Alex wouldn't be here. _She wouldn't be here_. Sometimes, Piper hated her job. Really, _really_ hated her _fucking _job. It wasn't even about saving _lives_ anymore. It was now about waking up in the morning, finding the strength to get out of bed.

Now, it was about trying to get through the day without crying.

Piper wasn't sure if she could last without having someone to touch, somebody to love. If she could last without Alex. Coming home to her. _Shit_. Piper winced. She didn't want to imagine coming home to an empty home. She didn't want to imagine Alex as a corpse, a body waiting to be buried deep underground. Shivering, Piper pulled the sheets higher to cover themselves.

'I'm glad I got you here with me, kid.'

'Me too.'

The DNR form flashed in her mind. The heart monitor _screaming_ at her. Alex's limp form in her arms. Everything else, _everything else was just a blur_. Just a white fog of tears and emptiness. Desperate, Piper pressed into Alex, cupped her face in her hands and kissed her hard on the mouth.

It had been several weeks, and Piper _still_ hadn't recovered.

Alex could sense something was wrong. Piper's kisses were rough and fast; they were sloppy, but Alex managed to lead her. Alex always led her. Gradually, Piper's kisses slowed, lips pressed against Alex's tightly. Delicately Alex's palms passed her hips, and then gripped her thigh gently, but with the amount of force to signify what she wanted. Piper obliged, spreading her legs a little wider to give Alex room. All Piper was aware of was Alex: all she could taste was Alex, smell was Alex, feel was Alex and all she could see was Alex and even _that_ in itself was enough to send Piper over the edge.

'_Clear!'_

A sharp jump. Piper was suddenly sitting upright, obliviously across Alex's lap, wide eyed and in a state of shock. 'Pipes?' Before Piper could come to terms with what happened, her pager went off.

Groaning, Piper pressed her forehead against Alex's shoulder. 'Can't my patients just treat themselves?'

Usually Alex would take this opportunity to tease her girlfriend, but after Piper's abrupt distraction, she couldn't banter. Instead, Alex silently reached over for Piper's pager on the nightstand. 'Ward C14. Someone called Fletcher. Lucky bastard.'

Piper groaned again. 'This guy.' She took her pager, glanced at the message. 'He's my new attending. Every time I'm around him, I can feel his breath on the back of my neck. And he always asks me rhetorical questions. "Doctor Chapman, did I tell you to check this patient's chart an hour ago? Uh, yes, I did."' Piper scowled. 'I didn't have _time_ to check my patient's chart. I was too busy looking after my other patients.'

Hearing Piper ramble always made Alex grin, no matter what the situation. She chuckled and lightly kissed her cheek, 'You'd better go. I'd hate for you to get into trouble.'

'Do you think I might?'

'God, I hope so.' Alex pulled at Piper's lower lip with her teeth. Kissed her. 'Off you go, Doctor Death.' Piper pouted. Alex grinned wider. 'I love you,' she whispered, kissing her jawline, her neck, her mouth.

Piper leaned in, 'I love you.' Alex noted a hint of _duty_ behind those three words. They weren't forced, but they were rehearsed. They were repeated with a sigh. Those words were heavy, and they were close to breaking her. Having a girlfriend like Alex was no easy job for any woman, especially a doctor.

With sheer reluctance, Piper slid off Alex's lap and began to search for her scrubs. Her trousers were strewn across the chair, and her top on the floor. After pulling on her shoes and hoody, Piper swivelled around to face Alex and kiss her goodbye. And it was as if they had done this for years.

It was all casual. Normal.

Piper leaned down, gently placed her hand on Alex's shoulder, and kissed her. Once. A peck. Sweet and simple, with nothing to it.

Afterwards, Piper turned away and was out of the house in quick succession.

**.**

**.**

**.**

The last time Alex had driven a car seemed so long ago. She had missed it; she loved the thrill of driving past the speed limit, overtaking every other car ahead of her. Queen of the road. It was her rush when she wasn't working. In a sick sense, it made her feel _valid_. Alive and _real_. Because what else was there? Her entire body fought against her; it hadn't wanted her to live.

At least, that was how she viewed it.

With this heart transplant, Alex had to admit she was lucky. But a heart transplant wasn't anything certain. She could drop dead the next day. She had survived everything thrown at her, and she might simply die tomorrow. So what was the point of being extra cautious? How could she live like that? How could she live a short life without enduring that _thrill_? She was out of the drug business, and that, alongside the driving, was what made her feel so _good_ about herself.

Piper had a long shift today. Twelve hours, and she might even sleep in the on-call room. Alex's car was in the driveway, keys on the hook. Alex threw on her leather jacket, and without a second thought took the keys, was out of the door and at the car. Alex's black porsche had been neglected, and the former drug dealer missed her baby. Smirking, Alex sat inside, and didn't move for a minute.

It was comforting to be back in her car. To smell the leather again, to open her window, let in a little fresh air. _Ah_. She remembered those long journeys on the motorway, especially when she was a newbie in the ring. Delivering packages from city to city. Finding kids to keep her business going. Utterly reckless, but Alex honestly believed it was all she had. Her mother gone, the ring was her life.

Now the ring was gone, and even though she loved Piper to pieces, she _had_ to drive. She had to. Piper wouldn't find out. It would be fine.

The engine roared into action. Ready. Alex inhaled, gripped the steering wheel, and reversed out of the driveway. Instantly, it all felt familiar. The wheel, the gear stick, the accelerator. The signal. She hadn't forgotten a thing. Once she was onto the main road, onto the motorway, Alex slammed down on the accelerator. Passed fifty miles per hour, passed sixty, passed seventy, then to eighty-five.

Yes.

_Yes_.

Alex opened the window more. The wind blew her hair back, and it was cold on her cheeks, but, _damn_, she couldn't help but _grin_. Devilishly, Alex glanced at the speedometer. She was over ninety. Sped past the last car on the motorway, and continued south. Now, she was driving too fast. Ridiculously fast, and she _knew_ how much danger she was in, but she wasn't going to stop.

This was living.

Queen of the road again, Alex felt unstoppable. The slightest slip would cause her to have a car crash and die. But she didn't care.

… she didn't care.

Dying. After facing that old friend many times, she just _didn't_ care anymore.

How long she drove for, Alex wasn't sure, but she drove further than she thought. Miles and miles, at that same speed. Too fast for anybody else to catch up. It was a drug. _This_ rush was a drug. Better than heroin, more satisfying than heroin, it lasted longer, made her feel important, unbeatable.

But it wasn't dealing. It wasn't importing.

It wasn't sitting in the passenger seat while her mother switched on the radio, drove them home after school.

A siren wailed behind her.

Blue lights. Glaring. Fierce.

Alex heaved a heavy sigh. Rolled her eyes, and slowly pressed down on the clutch, then the brake. Once she was at ten miles per hour, Alex drove off to the side, and stopped the car. Waited for the police officer to step out. She kept the window rolled down, and cocked a brow when he approached her.

'Is there a problem, officer?'

**.**

**.**

**.**

The emergency room had never been Piper's most favourite place. However, now she had some authority over the interns, she was able to give out instructions instead of just obeying orders all the time. It meant she was busier, but busier was better than being bored. Busier meant interesting and all doctors _loved_ interesting. The best patients, the most work, the better the reward.

She was busy stitching a man's leg when her best friend, Polly Harper, passed the bed. Polly went over one of her patient's charts, before returning to Piper. 'Hey, P. When does your shift end today?'

'Ten. Why?' Piper mumbled, without looking up.

'Ah. Nah, never mind.'

Piper frowned. 'Oh?'

'I'm freaking out.'

'_Oh_.' Piper straightened, and stopped stitching the man's leg. She knew exactly why Polly was freaking out. In a couple of weeks, Polly and her fiancé, Pete, were going to get married. And Polly _did not_ believe in marriage. Which was ironic. Considering. She wasn't entirely sure why she agreed to marry him, she was so critical about the tradition. Piper, on the other hand, was ecstatic about the prospect. 'Tell me.'

'I picked out that dress we both liked.'

Piper beamed. 'I told you it looked perfect on you.'

'Well. _Yes_. Maybe.' Polly chewed on her lower lip. 'Just–– I know you got to look after your girlfriend, but can we, I dunno, spend some time together? I swear if I spend another week alone with Pete, I'll jump off a bridge.'

'I dunno why you're so scared. Do you have any idea how many of our friends are jealous?'

'Good. I like being the target of envy. Means I'm winning.'

Piper's patient cleared his throat loudly. 'Sorry,' Piper said, and returned to his stitches. 'What are you worried about?'

'You know what?' Polly said, going through another chart. 'I have no idea. He's great. I mean he's–– yeah, he's _great_. And he hasn't shown any interest in fucking me in the ass, so that's a good sign.'

'You never know. He might be saving that hole for marriage.'

Polly nearly dropped her chart. Gaping in horror, she stared at Piper. Piper grinned.

'What?' She asked.

'You bully me. So Supercunt hasn't performed any crazy lesbian bondage with you?'

'Nope.'

'Really?'

'Yeah, really.'

'No whips?' Piper shook her head. 'Handcuffs? Roleplaying?' She narrowed her brows. 'Really? Wow.' She placed her chart aside. 'Guess she's not that crazy after all.' They exchanged glances. Smirked. 'Okay. I take that back.'

'You underestimate her.'

'Oh, Jesus. I don't need an image.'

Grinning ear-to-ear, Piper rolled back her stool, and pulled off her rubber gloves. She went over to Polly, eyes wide. 'I came _seven times_ the other night.'

'Well… that's just excessive.'

Before the two women could continue their discussion, Piper spotted a familiar figure approaching. Nicky's bushy hair could be spotted from a mile away. The last time Piper had seen her was a week ago, when she had finally recovered fully from her overdose. Nicky had been stuck in a coma for a frightening amount of time, but actually survived. Before she left, she had promised Piper to never touch heroin again.

Whether or not she would stick to that promise was none of Piper's business. Her figurehead mother, Red, would observe Nicky's behaviour.

'Hey there, Chapman,' Nicky pulled a crooked grin. 'Thought I'd find ya down here.'

Polly took this as her cue to leave. Piper blinked, confused. 'Do you have an emergency?'

'What? I'm not allowed to visit a friend, eh?'

'No, I–– No.' She smiled. 'It's just you haven't come to see me before, and I'm in the middle of my shift. You sure nothing's wrong?'

'Stop mothering me, man. I got Red doing that.' Nicky peered over her shoulder, and a few metres away stood a relatively timid-looking woman, who was watching Nicky closely. 'She always sends the quiet storm to watch me. Norma's a mute; works at the Ghetto. Helps Red with the cooking. She's kinda keeping tabs on me.'

'Oh.' Piper grimaced. 'Sorry to hear that.'

'Yeah, well I ain't touching any drugs. Done with that shit.' Nicky cocked back her chin. 'When you off your shift?'

'Ten.'

'You haven't checked your phone in the last few hours, have you?'

'No…?'

Nicky sighed. 'Fuck. Look, I'm just the messenger, a'right? Heard Vause got in a bit of dirt with the feds. Drove past the speed limit.' The chart in Piper's possession clattered to the floor. 'She's okay! Don't freak out, Chapman. I checked on her. They've kept her locked up overnight, but she's breathing an' all. She ain't hurt.'

_'––Don't leave me.' Piper exhaled, dropped her gaze. 'Let me give you a point to live. Please.' It was purely selfish. Piper didn't know why she felt this way, why Alex was suddenly so important. She didn't know how all of this could have happened. How every fucked up piece just fell into place. Clicked. Made certain. 'Let me help you.'_

_("I hate living."_

_That comment was like pincers. Piper would never recover.)_

_Alex already had her answer, but, this time, she hesitated. When Piper looked at her again, her expression was soft, beaten –– she didn't have much to offer, except herself. She would do whatever she could to keep Alex alive; she honestly would. Foolish girl. Being a doctor –– ha, what a mistake. What a stupid mistake._

_There was so much talent to offer. Piper was smart, exceptionally smart, born for this career. And she was wasting it away all for one patient. Ruining everything good in her life for Alex. Willingly. So fucking pointless._

_Piper had walked into Alex's life a few years late._

'––Chapman? You okay?'

Alex drove past the speed limit.

Deliberately.

She drove past the speed limit, rushed straight into danger _deliberately_. So fucking uncaring about her own life. With no thought. No _consideration_ about how Piper might feel. She welcomed death _and didn't care_. Shaking in anger, Piper tried to focus her blurry gaze. She wasn't sure why she couldn't see. She wasn't sure why she was slowly losing sight. To her surprise, she felt something _hot_ and _sharp_ trickle down her cheek, then another, _scorching_ down her flesh.

Tears.

Piper was crying.

Her chest felt as if it would cave open. Her arms were trembling, her spine weak and _painful_, almost pushing her onto her knees. Nicky's expression softened when she realised how much effect her words had on Piper, but before she could let out another word, Piper cut through her. She didn't sound the same. Her voice was deeper, breaking with each syllable, 'I want you to take me to her right now.'

'Yeah, yeah. Sure.'

Piper knew she couldn't leave in the middle of her shift, but Alex outweighed her career. It was foolish and dumb, and _completely irrational_. But her love for Alex had always been irrational, destroying her morals, ruining all her potential. That was Alex: somehow a remedy, but also a poisonous curse.

How could she do this to Piper? After everything?

Did she not _understand_?

Fortunately Polly was nearby. Piper didn't offer much of an explanation and, frankly, most of what she said came out in a rushed mumble. It was obvious how upset she was. Her lower lip trembled and she angrily wiped her cheeks with the back of her sleeve. She didn't intend to stay at the holding cell for long, but she had to see Alex. Had to see her face, had to see her face when she realised how she made Piper feel.

_'I think being a doctor is the best thing that's ever happened to me. Until I met you. You became the best thing. Person. I choose the best.'_

Nicky was wisely cooperative, but Piper had a hunch she respected Piper's anger. Her pain of this betrayal. Together, they quickly set off towards the holding cell, Norma in the back seat of the car, quiet. Piper didn't notice her, fuming. _Heat_ could be felt bouncing off her body, and each intake of breath was sharp. It was a good thing Nicky was driving; Piper wouldn't be able to manage.

Oh, damn it. She was _livid_.

How many more times did Alex have to pull a "stunt" like this? What was the point? Should Piper have bothered resuscitating her? Should Piper have bothered ignoring the DNR request? Should she have bothered at all? Most of the journey was done in silence and, gradually, Piper's anger melted and scattered away, turning into an emotion much worse than anger. Much deadlier than anger.

When they arrived at the holding cell, Piper introduced herself and explained her reasonings for being here. The building was less than friendly. It was cold, it smelt funny, and Piper felt ashamed for thinking Alex deserved to be in such a hellhole after what she had done. The guard escorted Piper down a hallway, through a locked gate, and then gestured towards one of the cells.

The moment she saw Alex's face, Piper was certain her heart would cease beating. All in one go, her body was hit with an unforgiving chill, and her cheeks flushed at the shock. Piper couldn't find her breath, couldn't find her voice. Alex's expression was illegible, but she was hesitant as she approached the bars, peering at Piper through the gaps. Several other women were in the cell too, and cared very little about what was happening.

'Pipes. Listen, you gotta let me explain––'

'Are you hurt?'

'What? No, I––'

'So, you didn't crash?'

'No. Can we talk?'

'Okay. Okay, you're not hurt.' Piper pinched the bridge of her nose. 'You're not hurt.'

Alex blinked, watched while Piper tried to regain her composure. She failed miserably. Her shoulders slumped and she hobbled a little. Alex held one of the bars and tried to come closer, but Piper couldn't be reached. 'I knew what I was doing. I was in control, Piper.' The blonde looked at her sharply. Alex exhaled impatiently. 'I knew what I was doing.'

'Oh, yeah? You want to bet?'

Piper shook her head, and her eyes echoed every single emotion rushing through her, every single thought _driving her mad_. And Alex was at the centre of each. 'I've done this thing before, Pipes. I just got caught this time around.'

'What about next time, Al?'

It wasn't working. Whatever they were trying to do –– reconcile, argue, discuss –– it wasn't working, and Piper had to walk away. There was a little blood on her blue scrubs, from a patient Alex would probably hear about tonight if she were home. Both women said nothing, and despite their pride, it was as if they had forfeited to each other.

Piper snorted. A childish snort. Sarcastic and dripping with regret. 'Will there even _be_ a next time?'

Alex visibly stiffened.

'I'll see you tomorrow.'

'Piper.'

'Don't.'

She might as well have slapped her. Instantly Alex shut her mouth. She gripped the bar tighter as Piper disappeared out of sight, the guard following from behind. Alex wasn't sure what hurt the most: the fact Piper refused to even _try_ and understand her reasoning, or the fact Piper didn't turn back to look at her as she walked away.

The holding cell droned with despair.

Yet Alex was wrong to assume anything wrong about Piper's actions. As soon as Piper was out of the building, she asked Nicky if she would drive her to the hospital, and spent the journey back in silence. Nicky queried what Alex had said, but Piper couldn't find her voice. She saw Norma in the wing mirror, quiet, but her expression was heavy with sympathy. She must have known how Piper was feeling.

Seeing her, seeing Alex, like that was terrifying.

Locked behind bars. Forbidden to touch. Out of reach.

She could only think about the defibrillators in her hands, the _constant, constant, constant_ count. One, two, three –– a scream: '_Clear!_' Piper cleared her throat, wrapped her arms around herself. Alex's limp, useless body jumped from the shock of the defibrillators, pathetically sprawled across the bed again. The heart monitor, _screeching_, lifeless, flat line. That flat line.

'_Time of death?_'

Piper exhaled. Realised they were already at the hospital. Nicky frowned at her, 'You going to be alright, Chapman? If you want Red to give Vause a bollockin', she'll do it. Fuck, she deserves it, right?' If Nicky was trying to cheer Piper up, it worked a little. Piper smiled slightly. Wiped her nose with her sleeve. 'I know she got to ya, doc. Thing is with Vause, she can smell bullshit from miles away. But she's pretty blind to the obvious sometimes. Just tell her what's up.'

'Huh.' Piper looked at her. 'By all means, I'll take advice from the junkie philosopher.'

Nicky chuckled. 'Take it easy.'

'Thanks. You too.' Piper opened the car door. 'Thanks.'

'A'right.'

Piper glanced at herself in the mirror. Made sure her makeup was okay. Wiped a last stray tear. Waited a moment to calm down. Once she was out of the car, and back inside the hospital, she was a doctor again. Alex wasn't a patient. Wasn't her patient. Alex could not distract her. Not this time.

So, Piper stepped out of the car, walked to the entrance of the hospital.

Before she even had time to collect her patients' charts, her attending stormed over, red in the face, looking furious. Piper already knew what was coming before the first word left his lips. _Damn it, Alex_.

'Chapman. How good of you to finally be at work. Did I give you permission to leave the hospital? In the middle of your shift?' Her attending raised his brows. 'No. No, I didn't, did I? No.'

_Please tell me I chose the best thing. The best person._

**.**

**.**

**.**

That night, Piper didn't go home. She didn't see much point coming back to an empty house. Instead, she spent her evening in the on-call room. The beds were not comfy, and the other doctors kept disturbing her every time they left and entered. Gripping her pillow, Piper scrunched her eyes closed and tried not to think about Alex locked away in the holding cell, trapped with strangers.

It was a mistake to think about her full stop.

Piper let a few more tears fall. It felt good to cry. She wasn't certain _why_ she was crying; there were so many things to cry about. Too many things. By this point, she was numb and overworked. Looking after Alex, watching over her, was another job and a half and Piper couldn't share that much time with her. Especially when Alex wasn't willing to look after herself whenever Piper was away.

Maybe loving her wasn't enough.

The bunk above her squeaked as a doctor clambered back to the floor. Piper sighed. Rolled onto her side. Watched the doctor pull on his scrub top, and leave the on-call room, shutting the door quietly behind himself. Piper swallowed. Her throat was dry, her head was ringing, and she couldn't sleep.

Already she missed Alex. It didn't feel right going to bed without Alex holding her, without kissing her goodnight (because those kisses were so important; who knew if one of them would be awake the following morning?). Piper checked her mobile. It was nearly six in the morning. Her next shift started in two hours.

But she couldn't just lie here, thinking about Alex. That was like a death sentence.

When she left the on-call room, and headed outside the hospital for some fresh air, it didn't really help. A doctor stood close by, smoking a cigarette. He asked if she wanted one and, honestly, Piper felt tempted. Alex had said how nice smoking was. It made her feel more at ease, less stressed. Although she hadn't smoked a cigarette in over a year now. Piper eyed the cigarette, then shook her head.

At the end of the day, she was _nothing_ like Alex.

It was a relief when her shift finally started. One of her patients had to be rushed into surgery, another needed a blood transfusion, and she had another patient who was complaining of stomach pains. After several scans, Piper found out he had a stomach ulcer, and needed to be treated quickly. Her next had been given her diagnosis. Piper checked the chart, and read the disease.

Leukemia.

'Oh, no,' Piper mumbled. This was one of the worst parts of the job. Delivering bad news.

Sometimes fatal news.

That was how it easy it was. How easy it was for one's body to be attacked by something as evil as cancer. The amount of patients Piper had treated and who had failed to go into remission was remarkable. Mothers, fathers, children, lovers –– they disappeared so fast. One after the next. All of these innocent people. It was sick, and left Piper wondering why she bothered to turn up the next day.

Walking to the patient's ward didn't seem to end. With each step, it was as if the patient's door was one more step away. Her patient was fortunately awake and she smiled as Piper entered the room. Piper tried to smile back. She wasn't sure if she succeeded.

Stoicism was all Piper had to get through this.

And no patient liked a stoic doctor.

Piper revealed the woman's illness, and added, 'The good news is that it is extremely treatable. We'll get you started on chemotherapy rightaway, and I promise to do everything I can.' It wasn't enough to stop her patient from getting scared but the little hope Piper shone seemed to make a difference. 'Do you have any family you can contact?'

'Yes,' she replied, 'My boyfriend. He'll be seeing me soon.'

'Okay.' Good. She had support. 'I'll be back shortly to check on you.'

Piper remembered why she bothered to turn up the next day. What pushed her. She healed Alex. She helped Alex. She revived her. The TB, and the heart failure. She brought Alex back to life, for God's sake! _That_ was what pushed her. That was her drive. That was her thrill and that was her rush. That was her drug.

Alex.

Alex..? Piper couldn't believe what she saw when she left the patient's room. Alex was out of the holding cell, and had been searching for her inside the hospital. As soon as their eyes met, Piper's heart lurched in her chest and she immediately walked away, fast. However, Alex was taller, and it didn't take much for her to catch up. 'What the hell, Piper? You just going to stop talking to me now?'

'I don't want to talk to you.'

Shit. Piper hated herself for letting her guard down.

'Yeah, well I _do_.'

They turned a corner, into an empty hallway. Piper jarred her teeth and swivelled around to face her, but it was hard. It was hard to stay mad at Alex. But she could be upset with her. Piper could be upset with Alex for weeks. 'I'm working. I have patients, and you–– Alex, you drove past the speed limit.'

'I used to all the time before I met you.'

Piper scoffed. 'Right. So somehow this is _my_ fault?'

'No.' Alex rolled her eyes. 'I don't know what the big deal is. So I got caught. I'm out now. Can't we just get over this and move the fuck on already?'

It stunned Piper into silence, how _casually_ Alex was taking all this. It didn't occur to her what the problem was. Nicky was right: Alex could be so blind to the obvious. Piper said nothing as a nurse strolled past, but as soon as the area was to themselves again, she came closer to Alex and spoke.

'Every time I imagine you driving all I can see is you having a heart attack and then _skidding off the fucking road_. Alex, if you had a heart attack when you were driving, you would have died instantly.' Alex sighed, slumped her shoulders. A sign she was growing impatient. She didn't like to be told what to do. It still didn't occur to what was wrong. She still had absolutely no idea.

_Alex's body jumped at the shock of the defibrillators._

_Then, the monitor droned on..._

_... and on..._

_'__**Clear!**__'_

_Piper's heart stopped._

_The floor beneath her crumbled away._

_'__**Clear!**__'_

Piper stepped closer, so close she could feel Alex's breath on her nose. Just to be sure, _just for her own sake_, Piper wanted to press a hand to where Alex's heart continued to beat. _She needed to make sure she was alive, she would stay alive. That she wouldn't suddenly stop breathing in the middle of the night_.

'That's all I see, Alex. All I can see is you coding again. Do you know what that was like for me? When you nearly died? You _did_ die. You died in my arms. And I know I'm overbearing, but I don't know what else to do. I can't–– I _don't _want you driving that _fucking_ car. I don't want you putting yourself in danger like that. I–– fuck it, Alex, I can't _sleep_ and I can't _breathe_ because I'm so fucking scared all the time.'

Shuddering, Piper tried to remain calm. But she was failing.

'I don't want to lose you again.'

Alex didn't move, and Piper couldn't tell what she was thinking. They stood in silence for what Piper guessed was only two minutes, but it felt longer. She foolishly waited for Alex to say something, reassure her she wouldn't drive a car, or at least confess she understood what Piper was feeling.

But Alex didn't utter a word.

It was enough to make Piper walk away once more.

However, she didn't turn in time for Alex to miss the tears trickling down her cheeks. They were arguing, they were in disagreement, and Alex refused to cooperate. What was the point? What was the fucking point?

Maybe she didn't care after all.

**.**

**.**

**.**

Legs close to breaking, head too heavy for her shoulders, back aching continuously and drowning in dread and fear, Piper arrived home late. It was nearly ten o' clock. She hadn't been home in over twenty-four hours. Piper didn't leave the car. She stared at the house, expecting Alex's bags to be packed, or even expecting Alex to have gone by now. She could leave if she wanted.

If she _really_ wanted.

(_'I won't go anywhere without you.'_)

Would Alex break a promise?

Waiting wouldn't help. Piper had to move. She had to face her nightmare. An empty house. Abandoned. Unloved. She had managed to push away the one person who mattered the most to her. She had been overbearing. But Alex –– _Alex had been so fucking selfish_. Piper's breath caught in her throat. _Don't make me give up on you_. She opened the car door. Sat still for another few minutes.

(If she's there, somehow… if she's somehow still there, tell her you love her at least. Don't let her walk away knowing otherwise.)

Piper locked the car.

Made her way to the front door. Asked herself, repeatedly, _if she's gone what are you gonna do? _Piper stepped inside. Her heart was in her mouth. She was clammy. Breathing heavily. Fast. She was panicking. Because coming home without Alex, coming back without Alex, _shit, don't make me go through that again. I can't __**survive**__ it_.

The house smelt of Alex. The perfume she wore, the smoke which lingered on her leather jacket, her clothes from before, and hospital. The scent of rubber gloves, medicine, clean bed sheets. And something else. Her. Alex. Everything Alex. Piper's footsteps creaked against the floorboard. She couldn't hear anything. Maybe she was alone.

Maybe it was too late.

But, of course, Alex was waiting for her. In the kitchen, sitting down, one leg resting on her knee. Her boots needed a polish, and her leather jacket glistened slightly in the dim light. She had removed her glasses, and they were neatly folded on the table beside her. There was doubt in her expression. Or, more accurately, uncertainty. She had been thinking exactly what Piper had been thinking.

Coming back to an empty house.

(Abandoned.)

Piper carefully put the car keys on the table. Stopped before Alex.

'I had a late shift.' Her voice betrayed her; it shook.

Alex knew. Now she knew why Piper's return was delayed. 'Oh.'

'Oh,' Piper sighed.

She hated it when Alex looked so _numb_. Devoid of emotion. Blank. Rotting away inside. Piper clenched a fist. The wait was unbearable. She wanted Alex to yell at her, she wanted Alex to _respond_ so they could talk about this. She wanted to know what Alex was thinking. _If she was thinking of anything at all_.

But Piper was tired.

So fucking tired.

A tear was itching to escape. Piper wiped her eye. Sniffed. 'Damn it,' she whispered.

'I'm not good at this,' Alex said. Her voice was higher than usual. Almost _fragile_. 'The whole relationship thing.' Their eyes met. 'I don't know the rules.'

'I don't really know either.'

Finally, Alex responded. Her chest rose while she inhaled deeply. And she took a small moment to recover. She was always good at recovering. She could recover quickly, speedily, she could move on freakishly fast. But Piper? Piper was struggling to overcome the mass of dread filling inside her. She could still see the car spinning off the road, or smashing into another car, Alex's bloody, torn body––

How funny it was that Alex's heart may stop any second, and yet Piper's was moments away from _bursting_. 'Don't die.'

'Pipes.' Alex stood. Found Piper's hand, but her girlfriend pulled away. 'I'm sorry.' Piper was amazed to hear her apologise. 'I won't do that again if it frightens you so much. But–– I hate being told what to do. I hate that I can't _do_ anything around you. I'm just turning into a pathetic housewife. Is that my life now?'

'Alex. I––' Piper wiped her face with the back of her sleeve. 'Okay… you can drive, but can I be there when you do? In case anything happens? Can't you just check with me every time you do something that might cause too much strain on you?'

'I'm not your patient anymore––'

'No, you're not! You're my girlfriend. And I'm fucking terrified, Alex.'

Piper looked away. She was close to bursting into tears.

'I thought you were gone.'

Alex kissed her. Piper stiffened. Her knees buckled. She exhaled against her lips, clung to her jacket. 'Where would I go?' Piper closed her eyes, wrapped her arms around the back of Alex's neck and embraced her. Alex held her, nestled her nose into the crook of her neck. 'You're shaking, Pipes.'

'I'm just tired,' she whispered. They reluctantly released each other. Piper's hand slipped down Alex's arm. 'I'm going upstairs. Will you come join me in a moment?'

Alex nodded.

When Piper arrived in their bedroom, she flicked on the lamp on her nightstand, and dropped her bag to the side. Afterwards, she untied her hair, letting it fall across her shoulders, kicked off her shoes. Rubbed her eyes. Ran her hands down her cheeks, and turned to the door as Alex stepped through.

There was either something comforting about Alex's silence, or something disturbing. Tonight it was the former. They didn't have much to say. Piper was exhausted, and Alex had been taught her lesson, even if she accepted it reluctantly. Piper always looked a mess after a double shift, and a night in the hospital, but Alex didn't really notice the crazy hair, smudged mascara, flushed cheeks.

Because it was all Piper. All she needed.

They met each other in the middle of the room, and held each other again. Piper's hands softly grazed down Alex's back, up through her hair, pulling gently. She pressed her lips to Alex's jawline, her neck, the corner of her mouth, then she kissed her properly. Piper moved in for another, moaned softly when Alex's tongue parted her lips, deepening their kiss. She already felt weak, barely enough energy to stand.

Alex really was warm. Piper's hands busied themselves with removing her jacket, and then her t-shirt, before greedily pressing her palms over her waist, then her tummy, her whole body drinking her heat. A startling contrast to Alex's low temperature the first time they met, and when she was having heart problems. She was healing. She was better. She was soft, gentle, and more wonderful than anyone gave her credit for.

'You're warm,' Piper mumbled into her mouth.

'Getting warmer all the time,' Alex smirked.

'Show me.'

Alex pulled back, found the hem of Piper's scrub top, effortlessly lifted it up and above her head, allowing it to flutter to the floor. They kissed again, Piper's arms around Alex's waist while Alex undid her bra, Piper's sore breasts vulnerable to the slight chill. Piper inhaled sharply, and a quiet, happy sound escaped her lips when Alex massaged her left breast. The blonde took a little more initiative, and heard Alex chuckle as Piper led her to the bed, eased them down onto the mattress.

It didn't last, though. Alex flipped them over, straddled Piper's hips, shuddered as her hands ran down her back, up against her shoulder blades, before fiddling with the strap to her bra which she removed with relative ease. Their lips met again in a hungry, yet gentle series of kisses. Piper lifted her arms above her head while Alex's hand tickled down her tummy, pulled down her trousers, shifting her panties in order to have more room.

Piper nipped at Alex's lower lip. 'I want you.'

Her mouth was hot on Piper's skin. At her neck, Alex left a trail of kisses, grazed her teeth passed Piper's collarbone, lavished attention to one of her breasts. Her other hand was hidden in Piper's trousers, and her finger found her clit, rubbing cautiously, before travelling into her slick depths, hearing Piper sigh in contentment. She knew where Piper liked to be touched, and their lovemaking required little thought.

But still, every time, Piper looked at her as if this was their first. And Alex always felt born again every time Piper looked at her this way. A newfound urgency shuddered through them, and they kissed harder, faster. Piper spread her legs a little wider as Alex continued to gently rub her finger against her clit, and Piper's soft groans were enough to drive Alex delirious.

Their kissing stopped. Alex retreated her finger, slipped away Piper's trousers and panties, before readjusting herself so she could pay better attention to her clit. Piper closed her eyes, collapsed against the pillow, ran her hand through Alex's hair while her girlfriend spread Piper's legs some more, kissed the inside of her thighs. Alex then kissed her clit, ran her tongue up Piper's entrance, causing the younger woman to gasp for air.

Instantly Piper arched her back, and encouraged Alex to keep going, stroking Alex's hair out of her face while Alex lapped at her folds. She moved to suck on her clit, and Piper writhed, moaned, gasped beneath her, her heels digging into Alex's back. 'Don't stop,' she whispered shakily.

Alex's finger joined her mouth, pulsing in an out, and it was a smooth pace. She obeyed Piper's weak command until she felt her girlfriend strain beneath her, exclaim in surprise, unnecessarily announce her climax. Piper's cry echoed in the dimly lit room. As she tried to catch her breath, Piper squeezed Alex's hair, urging her up over her body. Alex obliged, and they met in a wet, demanding kiss.

'You. I want to do you.'

'Okay,' Alex smiled. She always found it sweet whenever Piper voiced what she had in mind. As if asking permission from Alex each time, needing her consent, having to be sure Alex wanted her as much as Piper wanted her.

It wasn't about who was dominant, or in charge, or anything like that. It was simply in Alex's nature to be a little controlling. Over the weeks, Piper had come to accept this. Her hand joined with Piper's, and they squeezed tightly, before Alex guided Piper's hand between her thighs, delicately resting at her wrist while Piper took charge.

Piper's index finger curled and found Alex's clit, but before she started, she managed to urge Alex to roll onto her back. Piper's leg slid over hers, and their lips brushed together while Piper's finger speedily pulsed into her clit, stroking downwards slowly, then back. Alex was significantly quieter than Piper, but when she was close, Alex always seemed to fight against her building climax, as if afraid her pride might slip; her lack of control of the situation, of Piper making love to her, always made Alex a little tense.

But as Piper continued, she relaxed; it began to feel _good_. Really fucking good.

Piper kissed her, moved over her body, and their breasts pressed together as Piper deepened the friction. Alex's hands rubbed Piper's sides, and they continued to kiss one another until Alex came. Her hips rolled back, and she moaned Piper's name into her mouth, her fingers pressing harshly into Piper's skin. In her arms, Alex was wanted and loved for who she was, and it was something she would never take for granted.

Usually the two would make love for hours, but this time around neither felt a need to compete. It wasn't about numbers. It was about knowing they had each other, that when Alex woke up, Piper would still be there. It was about Piper going to work, reassured that Alex would still be breathing, that her heart would still beat by the time she came back home to her.

But, heck, Piper would come back to Alex a thousand times if she had to.

Locked in each other's embrace, Piper saw her promises. She would try. For Piper, Alex would try to look after herself. Because it wasn't about her anymore. It was about Piper _too_. Now, Piper was essential, necessary. There was nothing to live for without her. Without Piper, she wouldn't have her heart.

'Stay with me.'

And Piper hated the very _possibility_ that they will no longer be one. That Alex's heart will cease to beat.

Alex smiled. Moved in to kiss Piper tenderly, 'I'm not going anywhere.'

Yet, this, _here_, was all Piper could ever ask for.

**.**

**.**

**.**

**author's note**: Quite a handful if you asked for a _Behind Closed Doors_ sequel, so here you go. I hope you enjoyed it –– I didn't intend for the oneshot to take such a turn in mood, but I guess that's just the way I write. Thank you for reading; please tell me what you think. Also, Merry Christmas and have a wonderful New Year! I intend to make 2015 a good one.

Also, I wanted to announce that my novel (Play the Game) is now available on Kindle as well as paperback. If you do intend to/are reading/have read my novel then thank you ever so much. The links to my novel are available on my profile.


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